Dear Diary
by DarkPriestessOfHyrule
Summary: Ganondorf and Vaati have paid Skull kid to steal the diaries of various Zelda characters from SS, OoT, and all the other worlds in between and are reading them out loud. Rated for vulgarity, language, and humor. R&R will be three chapters long


**Okay, for those who don't know I have been unable to type at all because my computer went viral and I have to get it wiped and don't have the money to do it. How then did I bring you this? I posted it on dA before my computer crashed and have just copied and pasted it at the library. Well that bummer aside I have no idea where I got the idea to do this. Read, Review, this will be a three chapter thing. Leave nice reviews and if you wish send me a PM telling me any character whose diary you would like to have Ganondorf and Vaati read and I might just post it.**

"So are they here?" Ganondorf asked rummaging through his desk glancing up when he saw Vaati curled on the couch, his face buried in a book sniffing the pages and giggling. "What on Hyrule are you doing?! Are they here or not?"

"Of course they are here." Vaati grinned standing up. "This is wonderful! Smell." he offered the book to the king "She sprays perfume on the pages!" Vaati shoved Zelda's diary in Ganondorf's face.

"I don't want to smell!" he sneered moving in to knock the small white leather bound book out of his hand but paused when an intoxicating aroma reached his nostrils. "Give me that." he said snatching it and sniffing it, his brows raising in surprise.

"Smells good huh?" Vaati asked taking the book back and tucking it into the folds of his robe.

"Honestly why doesn't she wear THAT when we capture her?!" The Gerudo asked in shock. "Did you read it?"

"No. I'm saving the best for last." Vaati smiled. "Skullkid just brought up the rest." he gestured to a large pile of various sized and colored books.

"Okay." Ganondorf said grabbing the first book on top. "This is Veran's diary." He said opening the black book with dark purple trim. "It says 'Dear Diary, I saw Ganondorf and my little Vaatikins talking to skull kid. They gave him some money but I didn't care much for evil plots, not when my Vaatipoo was involved. He looked so stunning the way the sun struck his finely toned lavender body like a blade only to be drenched…."Ganondorf started to laugh, the rest of the reading came out in sputters of laughter. "Only to be drenched…in the god like glory of….of….of his rippling muscles and those…cold vile eyes…" Ganondorf burst out laughing closing the book. "Ohhh I love you Vaatipoo! I wish you would just put me out of my misery since I am clearly In for it bad!" he said mocking Veran's very flirtatious feminine voice.

"Shut up!" Vaati said blushing.

"Wait…is this?" Ganondorf laughed and held up the book and Vaati blanched. "She taped a lock of your hair to the page!" He threw back his head and started to thunder his amusement. " She taped a goddessdamned lock of your hair to the page!"

"Stop it!" Vaati flinched his cheeks now bright red with embarrassment. "Well here's YOUR girlfriend's diary!" Vaati yelled grabbing the first diary he could and shoved it into Ganondorf's face.

"Who the hell is Malon?" Ganondorf grimaced. "I have never even heard of Mellon or whoever, why would I date her?! Besides." he said flipping through the pages and shoving it in Vaati's face." She likes Link."

"Link?" he frowned pulling it away, his eyes widening in horror when he saw all the drawing she did of him adding far more muscle than Link ever had and would often pose him tending to horses. "MY EYES!" Vaati cried throwing the book against the wall. "WHAT IS UP WITH THESE WOMEN?!"

"Here's a guy's diary." Ganondorf said pulling out a small white book that had red diamonds on it. "It's from some guy named Ghirahim." Ganondorf opened it. "Dear diary, I am so utterly drenched in vile outrage the hell spawn sky child has once again kept me from getting my hands on the spirit maiden! I tried to kill him and chop him up into tiny pieces with my sword but he just goes scampering away EVERY TIME!" Ganondorf shook his head. "Wow isn't that just the story of my life." he mumbled.

"My turn!" Vaati said pulling out a purple diary with a Keaton face on it. "It's from someone named Kafei, it says 'Dear diary, just when I thought my life was getting good some insane lunatic turned me into a child! I swear not only will I not get to be with my one true love, but I have to go through puberty all over again! My life sucks! I wish the moon would just fall and kill everyone." Vaati grimaced. "Sheesh trapped in a youthful body. I get ya but what's with the whole kill everyone without a goal thing about? Honestly Ganondorf we got idiot diaries."

"Speaking of Idiots, I found Link's." Ganondorf grinned. "Dear diary, three days living off of nothing but lon lon milk and red potions, starting to go crazy…Navi keeps telling me stuff I already know. I wish I was still a kid again I could eat those magic beans. Where the hell did all my kid stuff go anyway? I could use a boomerang as an adult but it's like as soon as I pulled out the master sword everything was gone and when I put the master sword back in, its all back and my adult stuff is gone. What the hell?! What Is going on? Life is confusing and I keep dreaming erotic dreams about Zelda wearing guys armor for some reason and she's giiiiiirlllll!"

"Um..wow haha that's a hard one to top." Vaati pushed some books aside and pulled out a brown ruddy leather book that looked as If it had endured years of ware. "This is by Goose."

"You mean Groose?" Ganondorf frowned.

"Oh, sorry I missed the 'r'. " he reread it. "It says 'Dear diary' " he paused and held it away from his face "sheesh honestly can you read this Ganondorf? Clearly this oaf never took a writing lesson in his whole life." Vaati shoved the book into Ganondorf's hands.

"Okay okay. 'Dear Diary, yeah it's me. You got a problem with that?!'" Ganondorf frowned. This guy was wrong in the head. "' The big wing ceremony is today and I am going to trash that stupid Link and Zelda and her lovely sail cloth will be mine-" Ganondorf inhaled. "Poor guy, seriously, no one has beaten Link, no one has gotten Zelda very long, and Vaati you can say from experience that she doesn't have a sail cloth anymore right?"

"Yup! Gone." Vaati smiled smugly. "I wonder who took it…." he chuckled. "Oooooooh Ganondorf! I found Nabooru's diary!" He laughed diving over the edge of the couch when Ganondorf tried to take it. "It says dear diary, it's the morning after and I think I am getting pretty fed up with that guy." Vaati laughed running around as Ganondorf chased him. "Sure Ganon was good in the sack but he is very rough. Leave it to that pig bastard to plow down a girl and run off to take over Hyrule and not call her the next morning what a joke! That aside all is going well with the Gerudo trade rout, Hyrule has been very generous..even more so than Ganon if you know what I mean."

"WHAT?!" Ganondorf bellowed. "I take plenty good care of my women, how dare she!"

"Impa! Impa! Impa!" Vaati cried shielding himself with another diary as Ganondorf cornered him. "Read it."

"Fine." Ganondorf sneered snatching a creamy brown book with a purple eye of truth on the cover. "Dear diary, I keep getting morning sickness either it is the food or that wine I had last night, I can't remember. I have been checking my food to see if I am being poisoned, never trust a man to make you dinner ladies. The Princess is out and about again now that the forest boy is back I think they are good for each other-" Ganondorf paused when he heard Vaati making gagging sounds.

"Yuck throw that romantic crap away Ganondorf, Zelda is mine!" Vaati smiled brightly.

"Okay okay, one more and I really have to see what the hell the Moblins are screeching about." Ganondorf went over to the window. "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE INSECTS! I'M TRYING TO READ!" and with that Ganondorf shook his head and returned. "Do the honor." Ganondorf held out his hand as Vaati handed him a book that was made out of tree bark and had leaf pages. "Okay this is by..DEAR GODDESS! CLOSE IT NOW!" Ganondorf cried hurling it out the window.

"WHAT?! Whose was it?"

Ganondorf clung to his chest. "Din…oh Din…oh…Din…we almost got trapped reading Kaepora Gaebora's dairy!"

"Ganondorf…"Vaati gasped clutching the man's armored shoulder. "Thank you for not reading it."

"You're welcome tiny mage…you're welcome."

**A/N Fun huh? Vulgar huh? Yeah, going to add in the king from the wand of gamelon later hope you liked it.**


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